It’s been a busy month for Pops the Popping Popover, the lovable, gender-neutral corporate face of Popwell! It cut the red ribbon at the opening of 4 new Arby’s restaurants, and also found time to lead the annual Wall Street Dipshit Parade atop Popwell’s brightly colored Rockford Files-themed float.
Meanwhile, the Ask Pops mailbox has been overflowing with queries and conundrums! Pops chose a few of the most intriguing questions for this first installment of its monthly advice column. Remember, you can send your own questions to Pops at ask_pops@mail.com. And now, on with the advice!
Dear Pops:
My jodhpurs have holes in the knees. What’s the best way to repair them without my grandmother noticing?
— Jittery Jockey
Dear Jittery:
Pops is popover. Not know what are jodhpurs. Looked up in book. Found a picture. Nice! Best way to fix? Iron-on patches. Then hide from grandmother! Only wear when out. Never when at her house! Then pop and lock and breakdance.
Dear Pops:
I am a floor manager for the nation’s third-largest online jerk chicken distributor. Recently, I discovered that several of my best workers were methamphetamine addicts. Should I reprimand them? Or should I just be happy that they work so fast?
— I’m No Jerk
Dear Jerk:
Pops understand problem. Meth makes workers fast. But not legal, though! Best bet is look the other way. That way is not problem for you if drug police come and shoot everyone. Maybe suggest other slow workers try meth. Speed them up! Cocaine is a good worker aid, too. No booze! Then pop and lock and breakdance.
Dear Pops:
I am the star of a recently-released superhero film. It has been getting terrible reviews, with some people even calling one of the worst superhero movies ever. I’m signed on to do several more of these movies, but the critical bashing I’ve taken is getting to me. What should I do? I was hoping its release would win back my ex...
— Sad Superhero
Dear Mr. Affleck:
Pops know who you are. Not fooling anyone with fake name. Pops not interested in DC superheroes. Marvel only! Maybe problem is that Batman having been done to death. George Clooney was best, in Pops’ opinion. Or Val Kilmer. Pops suggest getting out of contract by crashing car, losing limb. Maybe two. Nobody wants legless Batman! About that ex: Jennifer Garner not coming back. Cocaine is a good aid for break-ups, too. Try some of that! Then pop and lock and breakdance.
Dear Pops:
What’s the best way to get blood stains out of a throw rug? I recently had to carry a body down several flights of stairs. I wrapped it in a rug, but by the time I got to the ground floor, the rug was pretty bloody. It was a wedding gift, so I don’t want to just throw it away!
— Wistful in Wisconsin
Dear Wisconsin:
Pops have same situation in 2003. Try baking soda. Seltzer. Or vinegar. Maybe go to meetings of rug owners. Befriend owner of similar rug. Kill, steal that rug, replace your own with the good one. Then invite wedding guest over and show off clean rug! Who is to suspect? Then pop and lock and breakdance.
Dear Pops:
What’s your favorite KISS album?
— Ace Frehley
Dear Ace:
Pops barely can pick just one! So many good and better! Here is the list in order: 1) Lick It Up 2) Rock and Roll Over 3) Music From “The Elder” 4) Alive! II 5) Destroyer. Get any of them and rock! All nite! Cocaine help this, too. Then pop and lock and breakdance in the morning.
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