Long Beach to Build Colossal Cher

In news that promises to reshape the skyline of Southern California, Long Beach mayor Robert Garcia today announced plans to construct a gigantic statue of once-popular singer/actress Cher across the entrance to Long Beach harbor. The project, dubbed “The Long Beach Colossus of Cher,” is expected to be completed by mid-2023, if everything goes amazingly well.

As envisioned by Garcia’s team of architects and philosophers, the statue will depict Cher in the iconic outfit from her “If I Could Turn Back Time“ video. The steel-framed, copper-plated sculpture will stand astride the harbor, with one foot on each side of the entrance. Cher will be shown with one arm raised above her head and pointing to the sky, while the other hand holds a large marijuana cigarette, a traditional symbol of Long Beach. “Our engineers tell us that we’ll actually be able to make smoke come out of the joint!” enthused Garcia. “Of course, it will be harmless garbage burning, not pot,” he added.

Garcia said that the idea for the statue came to him while watching an episode of Game of Thrones while drunk. “I saw that cool statue over the harbor in Braavos and thought, ‘Hey, we could do that here!’ I’m not even sure where Braavos really is, but if they can pull it off, so can we! I plan to dispatch a fact-finding group to Braavos as soon as weather permits.”

The Colossus of Cher will stand approximately 1000 feet high when completed, making it taller than such iconic landmarks as the Eiffel Tower, the Great Pyramid and Cerritos Auto Square. Cher’s head will be visible from 25 miles away, claimed some women seated near me at the press conference. As ships sail between the statue’s legs, they will be welcomed to Long Beach with a pre-recorded statement from Cher herself.

An observation platform inside Cher’s hair will offer visitors a view of the entire Southern California basin, even the shitty parts. Cher’s torso will be the home of a Long Beach-themed miniature amusement park, including a rollercoaster modeled on the singer’s actual large intestine. Plans to have thrill-seekers bungee jump from between Cher’s legs were ultimately deemed “in bad taste,” explained Garcia.

Funding for the project will come in the form of funds diverted from the recently passed municipal bond issue, Garcia said. “There’s sure to be some malfeasance here and there, but by the time the bean counters catch onto it, we’ll be halfway up Cher’s ass and it’ll be too late to turn back,” he laughed. Construction of the Colossus of Cher is expected to begin in late 2016 and continue off and on for the next 7 years.