Long Beach’s “gig economy” just got a shot in the arm with the city council’s recent approval of The Dipshitery, a business venture designed to tap into today’s fascination with dipshits. The council’s unanimous approval means the unique new start-up will likely be up and running within the next few months.
The Dipshitery’s founder and CEO, Long Beach resident Nonce MacGuffin, says that he is really just trying to fill a need. “I read a lot of scientific journals,” claims MacGuffin, “and I kept running into articles about the marked rise in dipshits across the United States. At all socio-economic levels, we’re seeing people acting like dipshits in numbers we simply haven’t witnessed before.”
“I was astounded at how many dipshits there were, even right in my own backyard. I had to kick several out of my last barbeque!” MacGuffin decided to do something about the problem. “A lot of these dipshits are really just scared, lonely people who don’t have anything better to do than wander the streets complaining about immigrants or threatening to stop watching football. I wanted to give them something better to do!”
MacGuffin’s Dipshitery brings together local dipshits with individuals and groups who actually want them around. “Maybe you’re hosting a Trump rally and can’t scrounge up enough racists. We have a whole list of white nationalist idiots who would love to stop by and cheer wildly for their dotard leader! Or maybe you’re looking to spend the afternoon on the beach with a stick-juggling vegan who will explain the benefits of patchouli oil over soap. We’ve got plenty of dipshits across the political and social spectrum!”
Pay rates will be determined through old-fashioned supply and demand, says MacGuffin. “Obviously, dipshit Trump supporters are a dime a dozen these days,” he says, “so they’ll earn less than, let’s say, a dipshit cisgender tightrope walker.”
By matching up dipshits and dipshit aficionados, MacGuffin hopes to cut down on the kinds of ugly social media bashings that several dipshits have received. “Imagine if that racist New York lawyer last summer had stalked down to the Trump Tower gift shop and directed his anti-immigrant rants at a crowd of appreciative midwestern tourists in MAGA hats instead of the employees of a local sandwich shop. He’d still have a job — and he would have probably gotten a free sandwich out of the tourists, anyway!”
“In the end,” MacGuffin explains,”it’s good for the dipshits, it’s good for those who appreciate dipshits, and it’s good for the rest of society to not have to deal with them unexpectedly in public.”
So the next time you’re in line at the market and no one pays with a check, asks you out, spills milk, or loudly opines about Nicki Minaj, you might want to thank Nonce MacGuffin’s Dipshitery. If they succeed in their mission to get dipshits off the streets and into private events, you’ll never stand behind a dipshit in line again!
A new Dipshitery will work well with Mayor Garcia’s plan to make Long Beach more like Orange County.
Flawless logic as usual. Inspired!