Once upon a time there was a randy rascal named Rupert. He liked nothing better than traveling the world, searching for fresh-faced young women who would bob on his substantial knob. In fact, he was the lead singer of a pop-punk band called Substantial Knob. They had a few mid-sized hits on local New Hampshire college radio and are currently residing in the “Where Are They Now?” file.
Every March, Rupert flew off to Bosnia for five weeks of Slavic shenanigans. He would rent out a spacious villa, then invite local girls over for tea and crumpets. “Crumpets” was Rupert’s word for oral sex. This got him into trouble occasionally. For instance, he once got punched by a Belgian in Brugges when a winsome waitress offered him a crumpet and he pulled out his Wee Willie Wankston.
“Wee Willie Wankston” was Rupert’s word for his tallywacker. His pud. You know, his peter! He had named it after a character on a Saturday morning kid’s show that he had watched as a young boy. Strangely, the character’s name was Mr. Green Jeans.
It was midway through one of Rupert’s erotic Bosnian excursions that he first met Miss Melba Vrbrna. He was instantly attracted to her due to the exotic spelling of her surname and the mouth-wateringly massive breasts that she tried in vain to keep from spilling out of her Dairy Queen uniform.
Yes, there are Dairy Queens in Bosnia. Of course, in Bosnia, Dairy Queen is a chain of brothels with a milkmaid theme. Melba’s uniform consisted of a tight micro-mini skirt with bright red suspenders, each of which slyly covered one of her perky nipples. There was also a hat involved.
Rupert met Melba at about 3:16 AM on a Thursday morning. He was waltzing out of another lucky lady’s room at the Dairy Queen, having successfully talked his way into a complimentary Philly Cheese-Steak, a rarely-attempted sexual peccadillo that he had read about in the in-flight magazine. Since Rupert didn’t really know how to waltz, he crashed right into Melba while she was trying to adjust the settings on her electronic hamburger scale.
Melba was angry, until she saw that Rupert was wearing a Substantial Knob sweatshirt. She flashed him a sly smile. Then she flashed her bulbous breasts. Rupert seemed blissfully unaware of what was going on. To shake him from his sexual stupor, Melba stuck a rather large hardcover book of Wordsworth’s poetry up her bum.
This got his attention! Rupert showed that he understood Melba’s provocative gesture by withdrawing his very own poetry book from his very own bum. His bum was named Hank, and had been living on the streets when Rupert found him and made him his own.
There was really no question that their relationship was destined to burn as bright as a brightly burning batch of Bunsen burners in a brightly-lit burn ward. Rupert took Melba back to his place, where they spent the day teaching their bums the finer points of romantic poesy. They also shared an ice cream cone and engaged in several hours of verbal sparring about the relative merits of cheesecloth and the Dallas Cowboys. There may have been a hat involved here, as well.
When Rupert’s time in Bosnia was drawing to an end, he asked Melba if she would marry him. She declined. Instead, she knocked him out with a well-placed right hook and locked him in the attic of a rarely-visited Montenegrin vacation cottage. Melba took over as the lead singer of Substantial Knob, and only those rare fans who noticed that she was actually a buxom woman rather than a randy rascal complained.
They had a big hit with their updated version of the modern standard Que Sera Sera. Their version was titled The Gambler. It was later turned into a series of TV movies starring Kenny Rogers.
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