The Human Monster (1939) – Caught this old British horror flick during TCM’s run-up to Halloween, and it was actually kind of effective. It was certainly better than most horror movies from the era that I’ve seen. Bela Lugosi stars as a creepy insurance salesmen whose clients keep turning up dead – drowned in the Thames under mysterious circumstances. In each case, the beneficiary of the insurance policy is a mysterious school for the blind run by a shady character named Dr. Orloff. It only takes the British cops five dead bodies before they start to suspect that something might be afoot with the sinister insurance salesman. One intrepid detective teams up with a visiting American cop to get to the bottom of the dastardly deeds. The movie moves along at a good pace as the mismatched cops pursue the killer. There’s some fun to be had watching what 1930’s Brits thought a ‘typical American’ was like: a brash, cocksure guy who never takes no for an answer. Lugosi is at his best here, delivering a truly creepy performance on which the whole movie depends. If you didn’t buy Lugosi’s devilish salesman, the flick would pretty much fall apart. It’s a testament to his skills – and that of the director, Walter Summers – that The Human Monster still works as well as it does. A nifty little dose of old-school scares.
The Mummy’s Ghost (1944) – The lead-up to Halloween was Mummy Month on TCM, and I caught a fair few. Most of them were pretty cornball, starting with this entry in Universal’s classic Mummy series. The Mummy’s Ghost is the fourth flick in the series, and the seams are starting to show. Frankly, this isn’t much of a horror flick. I’ve never been that big a fan of mummy movies in general; he always seems so slow-moving and easy to avoid that I find it hard to get too scared. Walk at a brisk pace and you’ll leave the mummy far behind, people! The action in this installment centers on a small college town in Massachusetts, where there has apparently been some mummy-based unpleasantness before (in the third flick, I’m sure). Once again, the mummy is summoned back to life by a fez-wearing Egyptian ne’er-do-well who wants vengeance against those who have desecrated a princess’ tomb. This time, though, the Fez and the mummy discover that the ancient princess Ananka’s soul has been reincarnated in the body of decidedly non-Egyptian temptress Ramsey Ames. Slow-moving carnage ensues. The flick is certainly one of the lesser Universal horror movies, more dull than creepy. It doesn’t even have a proper ending, as the mummy just kidnaps the reincarnated princess and walks into the swamps with her. Yes, those noted Massachusetts swamps. What passes for action continues in. . .
The Mummy’s Curse (1944) – Released later in the same year as The Mummy’s Ghost, this sequel picks up exactly where the previous one left off: with Kharis the vengeful mummy walking into the swamps with Princess Ananka in his arms. Strangely, though, the swamp has magically moved from Massachusetts to Louisiana, as that’s where the action of this one takes place. How do we know that we’re in Louisiana? Why, there’s a character named Cajun Joe, of course! Cajun Joe is on hand when excavators uncover the body of Princess Ananka in the swamps. Once the mud is washed off, it turns out that she’s actually a young woman! Not the same young woman as in the previous flick, but who can remember that far back? Anyway, some more lurching and murdering ensues as the mad mummy Kharis stalks around the bayou in search of his lost love. Even dumber and slower moving than the previous flick, The Mummy’s Curse represents the last Universal outing for the venerable monster. They had clearly run out of ideas, as this is practically the same exact film as The Mummy’s Ghost. I guess there’s only so much you can do with vengeful, love-lorn mummies.
The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (1958) – Now we’re getting somewhere! I’m not sure if I’ve ever actually seen a Mexican film before this one, but it’s a bit of a low-budget gem. The third in a trilogy of ‘Aztec Mummy’ flicks from director Rafael Portillo, this is a ridiculous rehash of The Mummy tales reimagined with a Mexican history backdrop. The story starts off pretty much the same as every other mummy movie: some priest in the past fell in love with a princess he shouldn’t have been messing with, leading to his cursed mummification and eternal, murderous chip on his shoulder. Apparently, about the first half of this flick is simply footage from the first two that’s used to recap the story. Once again, it seems that the ancient princess has been reincarnated as a sexy modern woman, but this time an adventurous hypnotist uses his skills to have her regress back in time to her previous life. For some reason, she and the mummy were buried together with a bracelet and breastplate that feature a map to the hidden Aztec treasure. And now there’s a nefarious inventor named The Bat who’s out to steal the bracelet and breastplate for himself! After a couple of failed attempts, The Bat decides to combat the Aztec Mummy with his greatest creation yet: The Human Robot. It’s a boxy robot with a guy’s head on top. Chaos and some goofy fighting ensue. This is never going to be mistaken for Citizen Kane, but the flick has a certain low-budget panache, hiding its cheap sets in moody shadows and generally delivering a goofy good time. And the Aztec Mummy himself is probably among the scariest I’ve seen, a shambling wreck in a rotten wig that is all the more creepy for its obvious cheapness, in a strange way. Luis Castaneda has a blast as The Bat, clearly enjoying his chance to spout ridiculous threats and chew the scenery shamelessly. If you’re going to see just one Aztec Mummy movie, make it this one!
The Mummy (1959) – My excursion into Mummy Madness concludes with this Hammer Horror reboot. It’s the same old story, with a love-struck priest falling for an unattainable princess, and their illicit love eventually dooming him to an eternity watching over her tomb. This version is much better than the old Universal ones, though. For one thing, Christopher Lee’s take on the creature is way scarier than Boris Karloff’s foot-dragging monster. Lee’s lean, mean mummy lurches around plenty, but he moves quickly and lethally when he finds his prey. When he breaks into an insane asylum looking for vengeance, there are some genuinely scary moments as the mummy pulls the window apart and climbs into the room. Peter Cushing stars as an archeologist whose father discovered the mummy’s tomb, only to be driven mad by what he found within (hint: it was a vengeful mummy). Years later, back in London, Cushing is pulled back into the drama when some mysterious mummy-based shenanigans start occurring. I must say, I was rooting for the mummy and his fez-wearing controller throughout the movie. Cushing and his pals are clearly warned not to disturb the tomb, that it is cursed and they are signing their own death warrants. They casually dismiss the locals’ concerns, steal all the valuable treasure inside the tomb, then blow it up behind them for good measure! Frankly, they get what’s coming to them. I also would like to note that the film basically posits a world in which not only are the Egyptian gods real, but they are capable of raising the dead and generally wrecking havoc on modern British society. I only wish the mummy had taken out a few more of those cocky British bastards.
The Professionals (1966) – Director Richard Brooks’ attempt to replicate the spirit and style of spaghetti westerns fell pretty far of the mark for me. It’s heavy on the wry, nihilistic, on-the-nose dialogue, and short on the “reasons to exist as a film.” The movie starts with a Good, the Bad, and the Ugly “meet cute” of the various characters, a quartet of aging veterans of the Mexican Revolution led by Lee Marvin and Burt Lancaster. They’re all brought together to help rescue the wife of wealthy American landowner Ralph Bellamy. It seems she’s been kidnapped by the brutal Mexican bandito La Raza, played in an impeccably brazen bit of whitewashing by noted Latino star Jack Palance. But when the Magnificent Four finally get to La Raza’s camp, they discover that Bellamy’s wife is a gorgeous Mexican firebrand who’s actually in love with La Raza and has run off with him. Needless to say, the Mexican temptress is played by Italian beauty Claudia Cardinale, but I’m not one to ever complain about casting her in a movie. She could be cast as Muhammad Ali and I’d be okay with it. The real drag of this flick is that even once the ‘rescuers’ discover the truth of the situation, they still shoot up the bandit hideout, kill a bunch of Mexicans, kidnap Cardinale and take her back to her husband! She tells them a pretty heartwrenching tale of her love for La Raza and her hatred of her husband, but they still insist on dragging her back to the States. These ‘Professionals’ are actually professional kidnappers. This is clearly a film that was made before nagging issues of consent raised their troublesome heads, as Cardinale is given no agency throughout the whole movie. Plus, even though Marvin and Lancaster betray and kill a score of their former revolutionary comrades, we’re still supposed to think of them as lovable rogues and not murderous pricks. For some reason, this flick was a critical darling when it was released, even racking up a handful of Oscar nominations! Time has not been kind to it, however, and it now stands as a striking example of Hollywood’s inability to wrap its head around the changes that Italian westerns brought to the genre. The Professionals may have the look of a spaghetti western, but it’s pure Hollywood cheese.
Taken (2008) – Not sure how I hadn’t seen this one yet, ground zero for Liam Neeson’s career pivot into middle-aged action stardom. You can see how this flick was such a hit. Taken is a lean, spare action flick that doesn’t waste a moment, delivering an action-packed ninety minutes of Neeson’s gruff vengeance. Within four minutes of the credits, you know everything you need to about Neeson, his ex-wife, her new rich husband, etc. While giving kudos for some tight scripting, I must say, this might be the most paranoid, xenophobic movie I’ve ever seen. Neeson’s daughter (Maggie Grace) heads off to Europe for the summer, over the seemingly bizarre objections of the former special agent. Does anyone in the world consider Paris an epicenter of violence and danger? Well, Neeson does. Amazingly, he’s proven right, as his daughter and her friend are targeted and kidnapped by human traffickers literally 30 seconds after stepping out of the airport. Now it’s up to Neeson to fly to France, track down those nefarious foreigners, kill them, and rescue his daughter from their evil clutches. And did I mention xenophobia? I would estimate that about 10 out of 10 non-American characters in the film prove themselves to be shady and/or murderous before the flick is over. The filmmakers make a wise choice in keeping 99% of Maggie Grace’s tormented captivity offscreen; imagining what might be happening to her is much scarier than seeing it. Less wisely, they shoot all of the action scenes in a hyperkinetic, over-edited style that renders them all but incomprehensible. It’s Bourne-style shaky-cam to the extreme, which is a shame in a flick that kind of revolves around its action sequences. Neeson is effective in the lead role, bringing some gravity to the inherently dumb story. It’s a performance that changed the direction of his career and established him as a bankable action hero. Pity you can’t make out what’s going on during the fight scenes.
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