So I thought I’ve had Olympic Fever these past few weeks, but it turns out it was Rubella. Anyway, how ’bout those Olympics?. . . 
You know it’s been a special Games when the lasting image is pulled from a grainy surveillance video . . . It looks like Ryan Lochte’s gas-station hold-up will go down as another great sports lie that fell apart at the slightest scrutiny, like Manti T’eo’s girlfriend and Kyrie Irving’s defense . . . Speaking of Kyrie, I wonder what blackmail material he has on commentator Doug Collins. It must be something pretty damning, because Collins seemed determined to never say an ill word of the one-dimensional beardo, no matter how many Serbs and Argentines jogged past him for lay-ups . . . Draymond Green looked pretty lost outside the Golden State system—even Coach K couldn’t really find anything for him to do . . . 
On the other hand, all hail the greatest American center, DeAndre Jordan! Amazing but true that DeAndre was one of the USA’s best players throughout the tourney, covering up for Kyrie’s messes and Cousins’ relentless foul trouble . . . Is there anything better than getting smashed on sangria and watching fencing? . . . So if you’re going to name a gymnastics move after Simone Biles, wouldn’t you call it the Simone? Saying, “She really nailed her Biles” just doesn’t sound that appealing. I guess it’s lucky they haven’t named a move after Sergio Phlegm or Martina Scabies . . . I’m going to come right out and say what everyone in America is thinking: Beach volleyball is a snooze, no matter how little clothing they wear . . . 
My wife was shocked to hear that I’d let our 10-year-old son watch archery all afternoon. She thought I said Archer. Big difference . . . So I hear Hollywood’s snatched up Michael Phelps to co-star opposite Jason Statham in a big-budget action reboot of the noir classic Night of the Hunter . . . Speaking of crap, has Bill Plaschke penned a column about Usain Bolt yet? You know, Bill, you can make lots of puns involving speed and the word ‘bolt.’ The column should contain at least one Dancing With the Stars reference, too . . . How many colors can YOU see in Dan Patrick’s hair? I found twelve . . . The hottest trend on the streets of Rio has to be the ‘Trump-Over,’ a local take on The Donald’s trademark combover. I saw it on hundreds of men and women every day. As one Trump-Over wearer said, “We hate his politics, but we love his hair! By the way, do you have any coke?” . . . 
Seven eventful hours later, I was out of coke, but I had a pretty nice tattoo of Brazilian soccer legend Socrates . . . One of my lasting memories of these Games is sure to be the orgy hosted by the French badminton team. Wild stuff, and I have a whole new understanding of the word shuttlecock . . . Another hot trend in Rio is the ‘cell phone,’ a wireless, portable telephone that you can take anywhere you go. I saw folks all over town using them as they walked or drove. The future is now! . . . The Closing Ceremonies were nice, but I was disappointed that there was no reference to The Good Wife going off the air. Seems like a missed opportunity . . . Whoever invented the portable plantain is sure raking in the cash . . . Finally, a hearty thank you to ESPN’s Bob Ley, who provided me with the numbers of dozens of local Rio prostitutes during my stay. Couldn’t have done it without you, Bob!
I like Olympic basketball. It’s the only time you’ll see an NBA player called for traveling.
Hahahaha… esp: “My wife was shocked to hear that I’d let our 10-year-old son watch archery all afternoon. She thought I said Archer. Big difference”