Pecorino “Pek” Romano woke up on Wednesday morning much earlier than his usual ten o’clock. Today was the day of his annual bus trip to Chiapas, so he quickly showered, shaved, read several chapters of Madame Bovary, showered, did four push-ups, and got packing.
Pek walked to the nearby Greyhound bus station, where a group of surly young men dressed as 17th century fops were gathered over a game of “My Mutton, Your Mutton.” They patted each other on the back and laughed gleefully when one of the shorter boys dropped his mutton in the fondue.
“Aw, not me mutton – and in the fondue!” he cried.
“Stop your flouncin’ about and go find yourself another portion of mutton, Junebug,” said a tall, bespectacled young man cutting the stylish figure of a young Oscar Wilde or George Peppard. 
As Junebug went off in search of more mutton, Pek continued on to the bus station ticket window. It was manned by a apple-cheeked young go-getter of Flemish extraction who excitedly handed over Pek’s ticket and pointed him to his bus. A little too excitedly for Pek’s liking.
Pek stepped up onto the bus just as a leg of mutton went whizzing past his head. The nearby fops chuckled gleefully at the spectacle before hurrying after the weather-beaten meat. Pek’s blood began to boil, visions of crazed destruction clouding his mind like hot marshmallow creme in a bowl of Gordon’s Gin. With difficulty, he forced his anger aside and climbed aboard the bus.
Once inside the spacious bus he realized that it had been too long since his last lenghty Greyhound ride. There was nothing like spending days in the close company of a host of grumpy folks on their way to parts unknown. As the doors closed behind Pek, he finally glanced down at his ticket to see what his ETA in Chiapas was.
It hit Pek like a karate chop to the adam’s apple, followed by an uppercut to the nads–that dastardly Flemish ticket-salesman hadn’t sold him a ticket to Chiapas at all, but rather a ticket to the Vegas production of CHiPs: The Movie: The Musical! The bus pulled away from the station just as Pek realized the depths of the Flemish bastard’s fiendish scheme.
The bus wouldn’t stop for another nine hours, so Pek settled in and tried to enjoy the ride. He did love long bus rides, after all. When the bus driver announced that there would be a “Write Your Own CHiPs Episode” contest, Pek jumped at the chance to finally put some long-simmering ideas to paper.
In Pek’s episode, Ponch and Jon become famous pop singers. Before the credits roll, they save a record producer from drowning when his late-model Mercedes tumbles off a highway embankment. He pledges that he’ll do anything he can to repay them. We then see the familiar CHiPs opening montage and go to commercial.
When we return to the show, Ponch and Jon are just waking up after a drunken night of whoring. They show up to work but have already been fired by that meany Robert Pine! The guys go to a nearby strip club and shake down the owner for a few free drinks. That night, as Ponch and Jon slur their way through a sloppy karaoke version of ‘Smoke Gets In Your Eyes,’ they remember what that record producer said at the top of the show.
They head to the producer’s house, kicking in the door when he doesn’t instantly answer the bell. They find the producer in bed with a lusty young ingenue from the secretarial pool. Ponch and Jon then blackmail their way into a recording studio with some of Los Angeles’ hottest session players.
Their first single is a smash from coast to coast, and the guys leave behind their days of catching speeding drivers and wearing stylish helmets. By the end of the episode, though, the guys have embarked on a drug-fueled spiral of debauchery that’s sure to end in death or madness. In the end, they decide that maybe they were better off as highway patrolmen. So they go to the station and apologize to Robert Pine, who accepts them back with a laugh as the closing credits roll.
Pek’s episode, entitled “Pop Life,” won first prize in the Greyhound CHiPs Episode Write-Off. It was later turned into an actual episode of the short-lived series CHiPs: ReDipped, as well as serving as the inspiration for the Prince song of the same name.
Leave a Reply