Dire Straits Sucks! Put These Acts in the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame Instead

So last weekend brought the annual debut of HBO’s broadcast of the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony. I rarely watch it, since I have had more than my fill of aging rockers noodling around in sloppy jam sessions. I tune in when there’s a band I actually like being inducted, but for the most part I tend to ignore the whole affair. Something about this year’s crop of honorees is really bothering me, though. Mostly, it’s the fact that the bands being inducted this year are a particularly weak bunch. Specifically, it’s the fact that Dire Straits is being honored.

Look, the whole idea of a Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame is ridiculous on its face, an attempt to quantify something that’s essentially ephemeral. It’s indicative of Americans’ need to constantly make historic claims and make their experiences seem somehow more important. I think it’s interesting that there are no big sports halls of fame in Europe. People there seem content to enjoy their soccer or cycling or what have you, then get on with it. They don’t need to debate the historical context of Patrick Kluivert vs. Dennis Bergkamp and whether or not this person or team deserves canonization above others. Here in the States, of course, every high school has their own Football Hall of Fame.

Anyway. . . as dumb as the idea is, the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame exists, so they have to put people in it every year, I guess. Most years you get maybe one really great band, a couple so-so ones, and a few folks who have no business being at the ceremony. This year’s crop of bands has to rank as the weakest of all time, though. Bon Jovi? The Cars? Dire Straits? The Moody Blues, for f’s sake?!?! Alright, I will give them credit for putting Nina Simone in the Hall several years too late, and I don’t know much about Sister Rosetta Tharpe, so I’ll give her a pass. Those other four bands, though?

Alright, the Rock Hall of Fame is as much about popularity as it is about artistry, so I kind of see how Bon Jovi slipped in there. They had a bunch of hits and still somehow get played on the radio constantly, so. . . whatever. The Cars seem the next most-deserving, but they were popular for less than ten years, never had a number one hit, and their general impact on music and society ranks next to zero. I guess The Strokes aped their sound for a couple of minutes. Bleh. The Moody Blues? They had exactly ONE big hit (Nights in White Satin), and I defy you to name another popular song. Still waiting. Playing county fairs for forty years hardly makes one a legend in my book. This is the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Wait, I Think I Know That Band.

The worst of the worst, though, has got to be the inclusion of Dire Straits, the musical equivalent of plain white toast. They were a truly mediocre band fronted by Mark Knopfler, who my Swiss friend Anthony used to bitterly refer to as “the most boring musician on Earth.” And they were never all that popular or relevant even in their would-be prime. Dire Straits had exactly three top ten hits, starting with the kind-of novelty hit Sultans of Swing in 1979. They then disappeared until 1985, when they had a number one hit with the annoying Money for Nothing. Its’ success owed more to its innovative CGI video than any great musical value, as MTV played that thing into the ground. Sting showing up on backing vocals right when he was at his most popular didn’t hurt. Their craptastic follow-up hit Walk of Life also made a splash, then the band retreated back into musical oblivion. I assume they’ve been playing half-empty halls for the same couple-thousand fans for most of the past thirty years.

Dire Straits were never anyone’s favorite band at the time and their stuff hasn’t aged well, either. Hall of Fame material? Culture Club had more hits and were a much bigger pop culture influence at the time. I was there. Is anyone clamoring for Culture Club to be inducted?

“But, but, they have to induct someone every year!” you might argue. Maybe. You might not need to induct FIVE acts every year, if what you end up with looks like this roster. But there are lots of acts that deserve inclusion in the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame before this lot, whether you are judging by sheer popularity, musical chops, or lasting influence. I would argue that each of the five performers below would blow Dire Straits off of any stage, and truly deserve to be included on their own merits, anyway.

Duran Duran – I had to double-check that these guys weren’t already in the Hall, because they sure seem overly qualified. They had a pair of number one hits (The Reflex, A View to a Kill), 11 top ten hits, and 21 tunes that hit the Billboard charts. Duran Duran consistently had big hits for over a decade, to say nothing of the success of side projects like Power Station and Arcadia. Their cultural influence was maybe even greater, paving the way for the whole ‘second British invasion’ of the early 80s. Duran Duran videos were a staple of early MTV, helping the network find its footing as well as establishing the aesthetic for a generation of music video directors. No one ever tried to dress like Dire Straits, but they sure tried to look like these stylish musical fops. I can only guess that somehow the ‘sophisticated’ Hall voters still think of DD as some kind of teeny-bopper new wave band. Their music never got much respect while they were popular, so it is easy to shrug them off now, it seems. But being pretty, poppy, and dumb didn’t stop Bon Jovi from making the Hall. I’ll tell you one thing that attests to their skills as well as their influence, though. There are lots of young bands out there these days trying to sound like classic Duran Duran. There are none trying to sound like Dire Straits.

Rick James – Another guy I couldn’t believe wasn’t already in there. Rick James is a true funk icon, and his exclusion from the Hall points to their general disrespect for funk in general. Sure, George Clinton and P-Funk eventually made it, along with Grammy-approved funksters Earth, Wind & Fire. The types that vote for the Hall still seem to look down their noses at funk overall, though. Where are New Orleans funk gods The Meters? What about The Commodores or Cameo? Anyone ever hear of Kool & the Gang? Rick James is the man who should be leading the charge, though. The multi-instrumental funk genius cranked out iconic funk tunes for over a decade, from Mary Jane to 17. During the late 70s and early 80s, Rick James was rightfully considered Prince’s true rival as King of Modern Funk. Super Freak was a monster hit twice, coming back to life as the lifted sample driving MC Hammer’s U Can’t Touch This. To this day, there’s not a dance floor in the world that can resist Super Freak or Give It To Me Baby. Even if just to fulfill the “fame” part of the Hall’s name, Rick James deserves to be in there. I doubt anyone would argue that The Moody Blues are more famous than Rick F–ing James. To say nothing of the awesome induction speech that Eddie Murphy would give.

Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry – Since the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame almost instantly morphed into the Popular Music Hall of Fame, it makes no sense that there are only two reggae musicians represented — the inevitable Bob Marley and Jimmy Cliff. Well, it makes sense when you realize that those two are probably the only reggae artists that the white-wine-and-puff-pastry crowd that seem to vote for the Hall probably know. Anyway, it can be argued that Lee Perry was even more influential than either. His career started in the late 50s, recording a string of popular tunes for Coxsone Dodd’s Studio One label. Perry formed his own record label in 1968, Upsetter Records, where he and his house band slowed down Jamaica’s popular ska and rock steady, helping craft the sound that would become known as reggae. It was under Perry’s red-eyed production that Marley’s Wailers changed from a Jamaican pop group to a reggae powerhouse. Perry built his own Black Ark recording studio in the early 70s, and it was there that he produced classic singles and albums from the likes of Max Romeo and Junior Murvin. As a performer, Perry recorded dozens of albums, from bouncy early works like Return of Django through wild dub experiments like Scratch, The Super Ape. During the 80s, Perry teamed up with Adrian Sherwood’s On-U Sound group and released a series of incredible, futuristic dub/reggae classics like Time Boom X De Devil Dead. He’s recorded with everyone from Paul McCartney to the Beastie Boys, and is universally respected as one of the true fathers of reggae music. The fact that Lee ‘Scratch’ Perry is not in the Rock Hall of Fame is yet another indication that the voters are more interested in patting their Grammy-winning friends on the back than recognizing true musical greatness.

Black Flag – West Coast punk rock never gets any respect from the old-school East Coast punk mafia that seems to dominate media treatment of the music. But while the heyday of NYC punk produced just a pair of truly great bands (Ramones, Bad Brains) and lot of after-the-fact critical love, it was out west that the music actually took root and started to flourish. While the NYC bands turned New Wave or OD’d, SoCal picked up the torch and ran with it. Black Flag might not have been the best of the West Coast punk bands (that title falls to X or the Minutemen), but they were without a doubt the most iconic and influential. Greg Ginn’s blistering, insistent guitar riffs set the standard for hardcore for the next decade and beyond. On their early EPs and the classic 1980 album Damaged — with legendary frontman Henry Rollins — Black Flag established the template for every garage punk in every suburb in America to follow. Most importantly, though, Black Flag’s ever-morphing lineup brought that template right to every suburb in America. Or at least it must have seemed that way in the back of the van. Black Flag toured the country relentlessly, spreading the gospel of punk year-round in any union hall, middle school gym, or empty warehouse that would have them. It was at these shows that a generation of young punks was born. Plus, Ginn’s record label, SST Records, might have been even more important than Black Flag’s grinding touring in spreading punk and independent music across the country. SST at its peak was releasing amazing albums from Black Flag, Bad Brains, the Minutemen, Husker Du, Dinosaur Jr, Sonic Youth, Descendents, Meat Puppets, and more. They were even the first label to sign Soundgarden! AND Black Flag’s Raymond Pettibon-designed four-bars logo is probably the most famous band icon this side of the Stones’ big lips. Have I convinced you yet that they belong in the Hall?

Bootsy Collins  – Technically, William ‘Bootsy’ Collins is in the Hall, having been inducted as a member of Parliament-Funkadelic in 1997. Thus, in the Hall’s eyes, Collins is on a par with Jerome ‘Bigfoot’ Brailey. But like John Lennon, Eric Clapton, and a few others who’ve been inducted as a member of a group and as a solo artist, Bootsy is well deserving of induction on his own merits, too. He burst onto the scene in 1970, stepping into James Brown’s band as a 19-year-old bass prodigy. While Collins was only in the J.B.s for about a year, his driving, propulsive style helped transform Brown’s sound and created some of the heaviest funk tunes ever. Bootsy’s bass was the driving force behind classic songs like Sex Machine, Super Bad, and Soul Power. When Brown tired of Collin’s youthful, drug-fueled exuberance, Bootsy jumped ship and joined up with George Clinton’s freaky Parliament-Funkadelic mob. Over the next decade, Bootsy was the bass-popping cornerstone of the greatest funk band ever, while also fronting his own legendary group, Bootsy’s Rubber Band. When P.Funk went belly-up in the early 1980s, Bootsy went on to record a string of out-there funk albums. He has collaborated with acts such as Deee-Lite and Fatboy Slim, while also running an online bass guitar school called Funk University. Bootsy is widely considered the greatest funk bass player ever (sorry, Larry Graham fans), and continues to record and tour to this day. It’s a disgrace that Bootsy Collins isn’t already in there, but one that Hall voters could easily remedy at any time. I’m not exactly holding my breath.

I’ll leave it at that, but there are lots more bands out there far more deserving of inclusion than Knopfler’s sleepy-time rock group. Next year at this time, I’m sure I’ll be explaining why The Cure, X, Prince Buster, The Specials, and Iron Maiden should be in there. See you then.