Few things say “1970s” like roller disco. Combining two of the decade’s hottest fads, roller skating and disco dancing, into one less-popular activity must have seemed like a great idea at the time. Of course, roller disco never really caught on, but that didn’t stop enterprising movie producers from cranking out a handful of fad-hopping b-movies about the non-existent “craze.” The moment that someone had the idea to make a roller disco movie starring Scott Baio may just be the most 70s moment in human history.
Skatetown, USA, the film that resulted from that notion, was a pretty major flop. It came and went in late 1979 without anyone really noticing, and disappeared into the ether soon afterwards. Aside from a few airings on cable in the early 80s, Skatetown, USA became pretty much of a lost film. No home video version was ever released, either on VHS or DVD, and the film has never been on any streaming service, largely due to the soundtrack full of major disco hits of the era. Spending months clearing music rights for the ten people who might want to buy Skatetown on Blu-Ray just doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen.
So Skatetown remained an unknowable mystery for decades, until some unknown American hero decided to post a (not very great) copy of it on YouTube. (Any time you hear that a movie is unavailable for purchase or streaming, see if it’s on YouTube. You’ll often be pleasantly surprised.) Whoever posted the flick to the site has done the world a great service, because Skatetown, USA represents the absolute pinnacle of late 70s cheese.
Even if the film wasn’t set entirely within the confines of a gigantic Hollywood roller disco, this movie bleeds 70s at every turn. The cast list reads like a who’s-who of the decade’s minor TV stars, starting with Baio and continuing with the likes of Maureen “Marcia Brady” McCormick, Flip Wilson, Judi Landers, Ruth Buzzi, The Unknown Comic, and Billy Barty. McCormick’s performance stands out, in that she’s the most obviously coked-up member of the clearly drug-addled cast. Even when she’s just in the background of a shot, McCormick fidgets and preens like an extra in a Wire crackhouse.
My favorite element of the whole film, though, is the presence of a ridiculous gang of roller disco roughnecks led by Patrick Swayze, in his film debut. Swayze plays Ace, a sweet-skating disco dancer who for some reason fancies himself a tough guy. His second-in-command is played by Ron “Horshack” Palillo, sporting a full beard and a studded leather choker. These two lead a gang of truly unhinged roller disco tough guys who become murderously angry at the thought of someone challenging Ace’s unbeaten run at the Roller Disco Contest. They blackmail club owner Flip Wilson to fix the contest, sabotage other skaters with mirrors and itching powder, and threaten to knife the one disco skater brave enough to enter the contest anyway. It’s deeply, deeply stupid, and watching Swayze go ape-shit as his rival performs a balletic twirl is pretty entertaining. Swayze also brings his dance training to bear in a couple of lengthy roller disco numbers that showcase his affinity for waving his belt around.
The movie basically alternates between vignettes involving the various players and long, long sequences of roller disco. Seriously, the flick is probably 60% roller skating footage. In between, there’s a lot of ogling of young female skaters (including former Playmate Dorothy Stratton) and plenty of terrible one-liners from the low-rent comedians populating the supporting cast. The copy posted to YouTube isn’t very high quality, and starts off with a serious case of the wobbles. Just imagine you’re watching the flick on a much-rented VHS from Blockbuster and you’ll be fine, though. Who needs HD when you’ve got Scott Baio in a sleeveless tee or Ruth Buzzi eating a drug-laced pizza?
Leave a Reply