Paps Papwell’s 3-Dot Hot Takes: World Cup Wrap-Up, Etc. Edition

So anyway, that was some World Cup, eh? It was the most wide-open, unpredictable Cup I can remember, and would have been fantastic even if my beloved Croats somehow hadn’t clawed and penalty kicked their way to the Final. Mario Mandzukic’s extra-time winner in the semi-final against England might have been the best thing to ever happen. . . Too bad about that final loss against the French. When your first half features an own goal off of a free kick earned from a blatant dive, and a penalty from an unlucky hand ball, you kinda feel like the soccer gods are against you on the day, as they say. They were. . . The loss takes a bit of the shine off it, but Croatia’s run to the final really was miraculous. Seemingly always playing from behind, they somehow survived three straight extra-time matches and still had the energy to push the pace until the final whistle of the final. Their inspired play eventually even brought a smile to the face of the grumpiest man in sports, the crochety goal poacher Mandzukic. . . Congrats to Les Bleus, though, who were certainly the tournament’s most consistently solid squad. And I don’t watch a lick of Ligue 1 soccer, so Kylian Mbappe was a pretty fun discovery, too. . . The real tragedy in the whole thing, though, is that the Croats’ loss cost me $518,000 I would have won on a Croatia-World Cup/Allison Janney-Best Supporting Actress parlay I laid down last year. . . Serena Williams may have just lost at Wimbledon, but she would still kick the living shit out of John McEnroe in a fist fight any day of the year – and I’d pay good money to see it. . . Speaking of paying good money, I’m never buying cocaine from an undercover FBI agent again! Jesus, what a hassle. If I didn’t have a line on Lakers tickets, I might not have gotten away with it, and I definitely wouldn’t have gotten to keep the coke. . . Speaking of hoops, NBA free agency has been making big news in the Southland. Everywhere you go, all anyone wants to talk about is how cool it will be to see such a legend playing in L.A., where he truly belongs. The Clippers’ signing of Mike Scott has sent ripples of excitement into every corner of the city. . .Meanwhile, I hear King James also decided to head west, joining the Lakers and definitively putting an end to his NBA Finals streak. . . Don’t know where they’re going with all this, since the situation is clearly still in flux, but Magic’s really leaning into making the new Lake Show quite a mix of rock-shooting weirdos. I will definitely enjoy watching Rondo and Lance Stephenson getting into it with LaVar Ball, though. . . Kudos to LeBron for choosing his agent’s happiness over any future shot at a title. Some things are more important than winning, and I’m sure he’ll be just as content with several first-round playoff losses as he would have been getting swept for a few more years by the Warriors in the finals. . . And now we can pin LeBron’s 3-6 finals record up there on the wall next to MJ’s 6-0 and Bill Russell’s 11-1 and gush about how he’s the greatest ever. . . In other developments, the Warriors won the 2018-2019 title earlier this month, signing DeMarcus Cousins to a one-year deal. There hasn’t really been a point to playing the games these past couple years, anyway, but adding Cousins to the Warriors’ mix mid-season next year really makes the whole thing a waste of time. . . Holy hell, I’m gonna need a lot of meth to get through next season. . . As for the diamond, America’s Pastime (TM), Doubleday’s Folly, Old Man Batting Stance, baseball, the old ball game, the old game, The Old Man. . . Where was I? Oh yeah, baseball! This year’s All-Star Game was just held in Washington, DC, and George Will has been incontinent with excitement. . . MLB just announced a huge new promotion aimed at winning over those pesky young people. Throughout August, any fan under the age of 25 who attends a nine-inning baseball game will receive a check for $5,000. . . “Bold move,” said Pete Rose when I ran into him at the aforementioned George Will’s poorly-attended pre-Home Run Derby Mankini Throwdown poolside at the Radisson on Monday morning. . . Moments later, Rose had slapped the Singapore Sling out of my hand, grabbed my stylish walking stick and headed for the exit at top speed. . . Luckily, there was an FBI agent near the door who owed me a favor for some Lakers tickets. He deftly tripped up the aging Charlie Hustle and returned my walking stick, along with a handful of bennies he found in Rose’s shirt pocket. . . That’s all for this time, folks. I’ve got a new hammock to soil.