Red Robin Rebranding as Cock Robin in Controversial Move

In a move sure to send shockwaves through the fast casual dining industry, the Red Robin restaurant chain announced that they would be rebranding themselves as Cock Robin beginning in June 2021.

“We feel that with the nation ready to re-emerge after the hardships of the COVID-19 lockdown, this is the right time to update our brand to reflect a new, more edgy, more virile spirit,” said W. Melton Griffinstrop, the chain’s director of marketing and community outreach, during the press conference announcing the move. “When people look up and see that huge Cock Robin sign, we want them to say, ‘Yes! That’s a hip, intriguing place to be!’ “

Along with changing the restaurant chain’s name, the rebrand will involve a sleek, updated logo and advertising campaign centered on their high-spirited new animated “spokes-bird,” Cock Robin. In the recently-unveiled first television spot, the hip cartoon bird teams with comic icon Kevin Hart for a fun take-off on the Lethal Weapon films.

“We think Cock Robin’s zany antics and unhinged craving for the restaurant’s delicious new menu will help establish our fast casual approach to suburban American cuisine,” added Griffinstrop. “It’s fun, maybe a little bit outlandish even, but with a good heart and backed by an old-fashioned confidence in the American worker.”

Critics on social media quickly seized on the new moniker, claiming that it is offensive and inappropriate for display at the often mixed-gender shopping malls of Middle America.

“What’s next, Big Boy becoming Big Dick, or Marie Callendar’s turning into Marie’s Tits?” tweeted Joel Osteen, televangelist and pastor of Houston’s Lakewood Church.

Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) opined to reporters, “There is no reason to ask our mothers, our sisters, or our wives to have to drive down the street and have a giant Cock Robin billboard thrust in her face. This kind of filthy double entendre belongs in our movie theaters and our pornographic magazines, not on full display near our treasured shopping malls and auto squares.”

Griffinstrop dismissed notions that the new name was too racy. “Cock Robin is a beloved nursery rhyme character with a long history, unlike some other chains’ made-up shit like the Hamburglar or Panera Bread’s Loafy the Rye. If anything, Cock Robin is a more family-friendly name than Red Robin. Let’s not forget that in nature, red robins kill over 2,000 people every year!”

“Everyone was shocked when McDonald’s first came out with the Big Mac,” he continued. “Too obscene for the average citizen! Well, we think that McDonald’s did just fine for themselves. If Cock Robin can attain 90% of McDonald’s worldwide success, we’d consider that a fantastic outcome.”

He went on to dismiss notions that his previous statement was something of a non-sequitur, saying, “Cock Robin restaurants operate efficiently and within each state’s regulatory laws. If I were up here spouting non-sequiturs, do you really think that the head of the Department of Health and Human Services would have given our former CEO Willard Prinkle a congratulatory phone call on the morning of his daughter’s wedding?”

The restaurant will be introducing several new menu items, including appetizers Fritter Wings (cheddar buffalo wings dipped in a cornmeal batter, flash-fried with an orange-clove glaze) and Blitnin’ Kibbits (“a fun treat for kids that’s been engineered to look and taste like real bird seed,” according to Griffinstrop). The menu will also boast a new ‘Cock of the Walk’ section filled with savory take-out options. All items at the restaurant will now be served with a side of Manager’s Sauce, a proprietary blend of creams, herbs, and pickled roots.

The first Red Robin opened in Seattle, Washington, in 1969, with the first franchise coming on board in 1979. Currently, over 570 restaurants operate under the Red Robin moniker. This will be the company’s first major rebranding effort since 1987’s short-lived attempt to convert many franchises into 24-hour Robin’s Runs jogging-themed take-out spots.