The following piece is making its debut on Popwell. Originally published as the preface to the 1988 first edition of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, the piece was dropped from later editions for its general lack of relevance to the topics addressed in the rest of the book. As Gerhardt Popwell is one of the world’s foremost experts on legume-based ephemera, we feel that the piece deserves to once again be available for human perusal. Peruse at your leisure.
A Brief History of Peas, Part One
Peas are believed to be the first member of the legume family to be eaten by humans, their cultivation predating the beginning of recorded history. Their primordial goodness was a necessary building block of civilization on earth, bringing a handy source of fiber and protein to Neanderthal man.
Modern scientists believe that peas were the first domesticated crop, sending humankind into the era of agriculture, putting an end to nomadic tribal wandering and paving the way for the growth of stable settlements. “We have recently discovered some ancient cave drawings that clearly depict a man planting peas,” says Francis Staple, Associate Dean of Questionable Studies at Princeton University.
He continues, “In fact, we have just unearthed a series of cave drawings that give a recipe for pea soup that’s downright delicious! If I wasn’t so strung out right now, I’d be mixing up a pot. By the way, have you heard the new remastered Van Halen CDs? They rock!”
The earliest known reference to peas in literature can be found in the Book of Genesis, 4:12-14. The passage states that “God gave Adam twelve green peas, and sayeth that ‘Here I give unto you some peas. Eat them plain or with butter, but never with pork, I beg of you!'” Thus were born both the Jewish prohibition on pork and the famous Yiddish expression, “Mchai, yimmel yich hail edo!” This translates to “Hey, don’t eat that pork! Here’s some peas!”
Numerous modern numerical scholars have argued that peas figured prominently in one of the most important developments in mathematics history. Recent evidence has indicated that the tasty treat was the driving impetus behind the origin of the concept of zero. Peas spread to the Middle East around 100 BC, gaining a foothold among Muslim and Jew alike. It is thought that storehouses of peas began to empty. When angry villagers would come into town to buy peas, the shopkeepers had no way to tell them that there were none left. Until, that is, some crafty fellow came up with the term zero!
A typical conversation of the day might have gone like this:
“Do you have any peas today?” the villager would ask.
“No,” the merchant would answer.
“Well then, how many do you have?” the villager would query.
“Zero!” the triumphant shopkeeper would retort.
Of course, the original conversation would have been in Hebrew or Aramaic, so there’s really no way for the average person to tell if I’m translating it properly.
Peas figured prominently in the fall of the Roman Empire, as well. Scholars believe that one one of the key events in the downfall of the long-lasting imperial power was the Query About Legumes in 345 A.D. Roman prelate Priapuscus Bumblonius was stoned to death and paraded about his territory by angry peasants when he refused to allow them to eat peas on his birthday.
Rumors began to sweep Europe alleging the Romans’ dislike of peas and legumes of all sorts. Needless to say, peas’ popularity among peasant and slave alike was widespread, and revolts became commonplace. It’s interesting to note that when Charlemagne took over the throne as Holy Roman Emperor, he was wearing peas in his underwear and about his head.
An intriguing sidelight to all of this pea-related controversy is the origin of the word ‘people.’ At the time, supporters of the Romans were known as ‘long poles’ due to their habit of carrying long poles with them. Anti-Roman citizens were popularly known as ‘pea poles’ because they, too, carried long poles around with them, but they often strung a peapod on their poles to signify their rebel status. Over time the term ‘pea poles’ was transformed into our modern people.
The Middle Ages saw a return of pea-based persecution in the form of the Spanish Inquisition. A little-known fact is that the Spanish term for the Inquisition was peaquisicion. Literally, this means “search for the peas.” Catholic clergy was convinced that there was a golden pea floating about somewhere in Europe or the Holy Land, and began searching for it in earnest in 1180 AD.
This curious belief was justified by the Church with the publication of a now-discredited New New Testament. This addition to the Bible told the story of a prophet named Hank Reynolds who was sent by God to take all of the vegetables from the poor, beat them, and run them out of town. It foretold of a day when a golden pea would rise from a pile of feces and dazzle young and old alike with a sterling selection of contemporary reggae hits. The fact that reggae was not a viable musical force for another 700 years only makes this entire episode all the more puzzling.
Part Two delves into peas’ role in European colonization of the Americas, the birth of communism and modern business. Plus, there’s an Esai Morales reference!
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