Mages Unite for Gender Equity

Everyone’s familiar with the expression “Colder than a witch’s tit.” The phrase, first popularized by FDR during his “Fireside Chats” of the 1930s, has never been more prevalent. A recent survey found that Americans say the phrase an average of 8.4 times per day. Most of us do so without ever considering what it really means. Recently, a group of California witches and warlocks have been calling attention to the sexism inherent in the phrase.

FDR popularized the phrase in the 1930s.

The group calls itself Mages United for Gender Equity in Meaningless Idioms and Catchphrases, or MUGEMIC for short. At a recent press conference, MUGEMIC spokeswarlock Niles Von Biscuit spoke about the group’s goals. Their primary aim is nothing less than replacing the phrase with a more equitable and scientifically accurate version.

“Why should we always compare cold weather to witches and their breasts?” asked Von Biscuit. “What have they done to deserve such comparisons? Why don’t we compare cold weather to the extremities of other professions? Why don’t we say, ‘Colder than a welder’s neck?’ or ‘Colder than a wrestler’s scrotum?’ ”

He pointed out that the phrase isn’t just sexist, but scientifically worthless, as well. “A typical witch’s body temperature is the same as a normal, healthy non-witch. Magic-users of all sorts still measure 98.6ºF when their temperatures are taken.”

The average witch's body temperature is 98.6 degrees.
The average witch’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees.

Von Biscuit suggested that a more sensible idiom would compare high temperatures to mages’ body heat. “Saying something is ‘Colder than a witch’s tit’ is really only saying that it’s less than 98 degrees. If we remarked that it was hotter than a witch’s tit, though, we’d really be saying something!”

“That said, we also find the use of the word tit to be troublesome,” he continued. “It is almost never used to refer to men’s breasts, and we find the term to be sexist in its application to witches in this context, without a doubt.”

The press conference concluded with the introduction of MUGEMIC’s suggested new idiom, ‘Warmer than a warlock’s teat.’ “We feel that this new catchphrase addresses all of the issues inherent in the original, sexist phrase,” said Von Biscuit. “First, it swaps in a male warlock for a female witch. Second, it corrects the science and gives the phrase real, tangible meaning.”

“Finally, by substituting the word teat for tit, we’ve created a more nostalgic, less crass term that’s appropriate for use in any venue. We’d like to hear folks saying, ‘Warmer than a warlock’s teat’ everywhere from bawdy locker rooms to church socials.”

So the next time you’re tempted to say, “Wow, it’s colder than a witch’s tit in here,” stop and think. Consider MUGEMIC’s stance, and ask yourself if you wouldn’t be better off saying, “Wow, it’s warmer than a warlock’s teat in here” instead. A world without gender- and temperature-based mage bashing would be a better place, indeed.

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