In Part One of this in-depth exploration, we examined the ways in which peas were intimately connected with everything from the rise of agriculture to the fall of the Roman Empire. This concluding section will detail how peas were partially responsible for European colonization, the birth of communism and more. But hey, enough of my yacking. Whatta ya say, let’s boogie!
A Brief History of Peas, Part Two
Peas were a driving force behind European colonization and exploration during the 14th and 15th centuries, when their reputation as a delectable taste treat that was neat to eat swept the continent. Spain initially commissioned voyages to America in the misguided hope that they could find a direct route to the fields of peas that allegedly covered India. (Only later did Europeans realize that they had mistranslated the rumors sweeping west from Asia. There were actually fields of peasants covering India, not peas.)
When the Spanish instead encountered South America and its legions of Aztecs and Mayans, they justified their conquest with seven simple words originally spoken by Cortes: “Screw ’em. They don’t have peas, anyway.” Ironically, Cortes had unknowingly just marched his troops right through a field of fresh peas and then set fire to it. Ah, irony.
Throughout the bulk of the 16th through early 19th century, peas became the default currency for much of Europe. Much as people today use Euros or Dollars to purchase goods and services, Europeans of the day used peas. They used peas as money. As money, for Christ’s sake. A typical family would have a pea plant growing near the door of their home, and family members would grab a handful on their way into town. This is the origin of the popular folk saying, “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your peas near the door, where you can grab them.”
This system came crashing down in the early 1800s, though, when many European royal houses began confiscating their subject’s peas. Throughout the western world, bands of marauding knights engaged in a mad orgy of pea-taking and pea-burning and whatnot. An underground economy of hoarded peas flourished for a time, but was soon wiped out, as well. Today, you’d be hard-pressed to find a European history book that so much as mentions any of this, so thoroughly was the pea-based economy destroyed.
The well-known fairy tale The Princess and the Pea dates to this turbulent time period. It is now thought to actually be a coded message from a secret cel of Danish pea-hoarders led by Hans Christian Andersen to their compatriots in England. Professor Melvin R. Tillis of Vanderbilt University Psychiatric Hospital explains, “What the story was really saying is: Don’t keep your peas under your mattress. The Princess will look there! It’s quite clear, in fact, when you consider that the mere mention of the word peas could get your hands and bowels cut out in England at the time! Yup.”
Peas played a surprising role during the American Revolution. They were often crushed and made into a soothing balm for the Continental Army’s use. The fateful winter in Valley Forge was made a little more pleasant due to the fragrant scent of peas, as the soldiers tried in vain to ease the searing pain of frostbite by rubbing pea salve all over their feet and noses. It didn’t help their frost bite, and in fact wasted a lot of potentially life-saving foodstuff, but the rebels won the war, so there you have it.
While peas nominally contributed to the American victory and the establishment of the United States, they also contributed to one of that country’s greatest boogiemen of the twentieth century: communism. The notion of communism was first nudged inside the brain of Karl Marx during a trip he took to Prague during the early years of his life. He witnessed the way that peasants begged for peas to eat, while the upper class used them only for their decorative properties. He latched onto the idea of the peapod as metaphor for life, as this quote from Das Kapital clearly illustrates:
“I split open the pod and the peas spilled out onto my dresser. I took them one by one and examined them. These, I thought, are peas. Peas! Never in my life had I been so happy. I rubbed them on my head and asked Priscilla to dance. She refused, so I yelled, We must seize the means of pea-duction from the elite! Power to the pea-poles!” For years afterward, communists throughout Europe could be spotted by looking for the tell-tale pea stains on their heads and undergarments.
In late 1984, Estonian biscuit baron Pealeron Bongdoddle shocked the twin worlds of grammar and high finance when he purchased world-wide rights to the use of the word pea. He has since received 5 cents from the World Bank every time the word appears in print or is spoken. This imaginative manner of building personal wealth has since been copied by entrepreneurs and celebrities such as Miami Heat president Pat Riley, who obtained the rights to the word three-peat, and the late Michael Jackson, who obtained the rights to the words Paul and McCartney.
Bongdoddle, the son of an Estonian pea farmer, was known as the ‘Estonian Esai Morales’ during his early career as an actor. In honor of his late father, Bongdoddle has built his media empire around the theme of peas. He is owner of such diverse holdings as PNN cable food news network, Peabody Press Publishing, Arby’s, Billy Dee Williams’ Dandy Lando-Style Frozen Foods, and Cluck N’ Pitch family fun centers.
He looks to the future with a pea-green glint in his eye and a song in his heart.
“It’s Oh Sheila by Ready For The World,” he says with a rakish grin.
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